Race Report by Denis ‘Leo Tolstoy’ McCaul

Photos by Denis and from the Grant Thornton 5k Facebook albums: Click here

Prepare yourself for shocking revelations of;

• Women loving my short shorts
• Ringers Heightism
• Starting Corral Snobbery
• Flat courses not being fast
• Mad Voices in runners heads
• Post race conversations to avoid
• Obvious Drug Taking
• Journeys win over Destinations

Yes the Grant Thornton 5k on the outside may seem like a corporate fun run. But underneath lurks  the murky world that few ever get to see.

Around five years ago Grant Thornton started a race series of 5ks. You can only enter as a business team of four so individual members of Irelands workforce are not welcome. Being self employed I am therefore excluded. No way I would be doing this then, shunned by the Corporate giants.

When I got a text from clubmate Stephanie that she needed someone to fill in for a fallen comrade from her team called Gulliver (not his real name), I stuck to my guns and said no way, I was  no sell out. After finding out it would be free I said yes. So I was to be a ringer, pretending to be someone I am not.

4,453 runners crossed the finish line. It was a very competitive affair up the front being won in 14.29 and you had to run sub 17.40 just to make the top 100!

I recently moved to Donnybrook so decided I would jog into town as my warm up. So with foam rolling completed I strapped on the shoulder bag and began the short commute. You know those guys you see while sitting in traffic who jog/run home from work with a bag on their back containing their work clothes etc. I often wonder if the bag would drive you mad jostling around  with each stride, and are those lads Gowls? Well I quickly discovered that yes it does, and yes they are so after 80 metres of pretending all was fine the jog became a walk.

Women loving my short shorts

Passing through Ballsbridge I was wearing my very short race shorts with the split high up the thigh. I knew it would only be a matter of time before they worked their magic. Soon a female cyclist pulled alongside and started talking to me. It turned out to be Anna Delaney. Obviously weak at the knees for my legs her bike wobbled all over the place while we chatted race tactics. Eventually as she was a danger to herself beside me she pretended she was late to meet her team mate and pedalled on.

Anna Delaney

Ringers Heightism

The hub of operations was operations was Grand Canal Dock where there was a bag drop. Stephanie arrived promptly at the 6.45 meet time with my race number in hand.

Stephanie Bergin

Here is where the shocking heightism in Irish Corporate running reared its ugly head.

(Some names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Me: Hi Stephanie, who am I filling in for today then
Stephanie: A guy called Gulliver (not his real name, but you can see where this is going…)
Me: I hope he is not like a super fast elite
Stephanie: He is very tall
Me: Oh he must have a long auld stride
Stephanie: He is the complete opposite of you Denis
Me: Oh really, in what way?
Me in my head: (He must be brutal looking)
Stephanie: He is over six foot I’d say, he is very tall

How I see Myself

How Stephanie see’s me

The Six Foot Plus Guy Guy I Was Filling In For Who Was Indosposed

And there you have it, dealt a crushing low blow before a step has even been taken.
I dragged myself to drop in the bag and off the two of us went for what seemed to be the longest warm up either of us ever did as the race start was not until half seven.

The race takes place on the quays and warming up we jogged over Matt Talbot bridge and turned right heading for the Point Theatre where a bunch of wineo’s were having a screaming match that was threatening to come to blows. When we passed them on the way back they had calmed down and one was sitting on the railings with his can, separated from the rest. Apparently the naughty step is employed for all ages. I wondered would they join in when the race passed by.

Starting Corral Snobbery

I had been warned by Sportsworlders after asking advice on Facebook to line up at the front. Myself and Stephanie joined in at a point that I felt would be fairly reflective of where we would finish. We were probably about 150 to 200 people back ish in the first Corral for people finishing between 15 and 20 mins. I normally try and start where I think I will finish as that way I won’t be in anyone’s way. In hindsight when I saw the two girls standing beside me with phones in hand, leggings and giant headphones I should have realised the take off was going to be a bit of a mess.

And so it turned out to be. I aimed to go out hard for the first time ever to see what would happen. When we were here a few months back Kate Kelly from the club took off faster than me and I spent the whole race trying to haul her back in and failed by one second. So I took her advice afterwards and set myself a goal of 3.30 for the first k and hang in for the last four!

Flat courses not being fast

The first k was a mix of two 90 degree turns over Matt Talbot bridge where everyone ran into the back of each other and then being blocked in behind a walls of runners which meant a lot of weaving in and out. The course might be only 5k long but it crosses the Liffey four times.

How is it that you line up behind maybe two hundred people but when the race starts after around 500 metres you get past a good few but there still seems to be around 3,000 in front of you?

During the long stretch down the North quays the runners ahead of you end up running past you in the opposite direction on the other side of the cones. This is the Athletics equivalent of a few hundred slaps in the face. Well if that’s the leaders, and we have only gone 2k I thought to myself then the 180 degree turn must be just up head, I couldn’t be that far back, surely.

I could have made tea, drank it and washed the cup by the time the turn arrived.

As I ran back up towards The Samuel Beckett bridge I heard Maura Ginty shouting out encouragement.

Maura Ginty

I had the Sportsworld vest on so probably stuck out. Fair play to her for the shout I thought to myself, I couldn’t shout back as by now I was struggling to keep breathing and running at the same time.

You don’t realise how steep the rise onto a bridge can feel until you are tired. After crossing the river we were sent on a loop around a block of buildings. More turns, bad road surfaces and congested narrow bits made what I thought was going to be a fast course not as quick as expected. Started to feel shagged at this stage and the old inevitable internal conversation starts. I assume everyone has these monologues when things start feeling bad.

Mad Voices in Runners Heads

This is what the voice inside my head sounds like nearly every time…

Jesus Denis boy you can’t even feel your arms, they are numb, legs are tired now, no more juice left in them, oh God I would love to stop now, no one will think any less of you if you do, this pain can all be over straight away if you just move over to the side and start walking. Two k left, oh that’s a long way, that would be five laps of the running track in Tallaght, five like, you know how long one can feel like, lads are starting to pass you now, your pace is dropping, stride getting slower and longer, slow down a bit before you die, aw sure look you have come this far, keep going, it will be the final km marker soon, you always feel better and run faster in the final k, sure the first four are just you tolerating it until the last k, keep your cadence up, you are not going as slow as you think you are, just keep moving, the last k is coming up, you didn’t  go through all this pain to stand at the finish line and see you missed your time by a few seconds so cop on and dig in, you could be injured again next week and not have this chance again, you have enough training done and videos watched and vegetables eaten and hours stretching and foam rolling to endure this. Now power up, open that stride, swing those arms, mimic the posture of the track runners, breathe harder, now pump and lift those knees and drive, strong level hips, fast rythmn, maintain it, pass the next guy in front, now aim for the next one, the finish line is just over the bridge, what time on my watch, I have 40 seconds to make it, that looks like a long way to cover in 40 seconds, I could never do that, oh shut up and start sprinting, you call that sprinting, they go quicker than that going into Bingo, 200 metres to go, come on just one last rattle down here to the line, I think I might puke, don’t puke before the line, one last push, look at the clock, stop my watch, am I going to puke, nope, thank God that’s over, that was pure torture, jesus never again, wayyyyy harder than I thought it was going to be, lot of pain, keep walking, just keep walking and don’t fall over, left, right…

Post race conversations to avoid

It’s amazing how quickly after a 5k that you feel better, you can go from dying to grand in a matter of a minute. Unless of course you bump into Conor McCarthy. While I hadn’t run as fast as I hoped I was feeling good that I didn’t give up and might have snuck in for a pb.

Conor McCarthy (at the cake sale!)

Me: Hey Conor, how are things boy
Conor: Ah not bad Denis. I think the course was short…
Me: What?
Conor: Yeah I got 4.87km on the watch, my buddy got it short too
Me: Ah sure you can never trust the watches. What time did you do?
Conor: 16:39 and Karol ran 15:15 I think
Me: Was that a PB for you?
Conor: It is but I’d say the course was short alright . How did you do?
Me: (With head lowered!) 18:27 My watch says 4.89k so might have been short, don’t know

And there you have it, you can go straight from oh that exam wasn’t too bad and then you meet other students outside who gave different answers to you and you doubt everything.

“Hi Denis” came a voice from behind me while we picked up water and bananas. An old school friend Patrick Casey, oh thank God, I hope he didn’t run 16 something as well and tell me the course was definitely short…

As we walked along we chatted about how it went and I began to feel a bit better again when we came across Will Greensmyth, he ran 17:30, feeling crap again!

Made my way back to Grand Canal Square where I met Karl Chatterton, 16:48, Jesus who am I going to meet next, Mo Farrah?

Obvious Drug Taking

At this stage I feel like I should start taking drugs to speed up. And that’s when it hit me, these lads must all be on drugs. I immediately felt better. Am looking forward to my pharmaceutically enhanced performances of the future. (Just kidding, kinda!)

Maura Ginty arrived and was in great form after her run, Stephanie arrived and ran way faster than she originally predicted breaking 20 minutes. So after a few photos and post race chat it was time to head home. While walking home I bumped into Grainne Dilleen who has been doing some Parkruns in Marlay lately and enjoyed a great run too. Did you know that in 2013 Grainne ran 3:43 in the Dublin Marathon. She never forgets to tell me that every time I meet her, great memory that girl.

I posted some photo’s to Facebook and got landed with the job of writing this report by Eoin.

Tip: If you want to avoid doing a race report, don’t be the first one to post to FB after the race! Seriously though Eoin is doing an amazing job with the weekly club communications by Email and updating the website so well done him.

So in summary while I expected it to be a fast course I actually think Rathfarnham 5k next Sunday would be a quicker track. It has a better maintained road surface, less twists and turns, long straights with plenty of room, yes it does have one hill but the fast start and finish more than compensate for it.

I haven’t run since the Grant Thronton as have been laid low with a cold (could be Ebola, who knows) and am typing this in bed drinking Lemsip waiting for the All Ireland final between Mayo and Dublin to come on but hope to be back running by next weekend. When someone else can write the Rathfarnham race report which will be far more challenging as half the club is running that one and Eoin will be expecting 2,900+ words from you too whoever you are!

In closing I will leave you with the lessons I learned Tuesday night.

1. Your shorts lads, less is more, a big hit with the ladies
2. Apparently I am the opposite to tall (that came as quite the shock Stephanie)
3. If you see someone beside you at the start wearing headphones move forward 10 rows
4. When things get rough learn to drown out the negative crazy voice in your head with something more positive like images of Cork winning All Irelands
5. Don’t talk to Conor McCarthy after a race, no good will come of it, just nod and carry on eating your banana
6. If anyone finishes quicker than you don’t compare yourself to them, they are probably on drugs
7. Achieving a goal or pb is often an anti climax compared to the time you spend training for it. So enjoy the training with your clubmates as much as you can, it’s the best part

Journeys win over destinations

I thought I was cursed for the last 18 months with injuries and illnesses. If someone had told me then how long it would take to get back to where I was I am not sure I would have bothered. And am still not 100% fixed. But I enjoy running more now because of the setbacks than I would have if they never happened. I have got to run with every group in the club and met way more people because of it. And in hindsight I can see now that before the injury I was obsessed with times and improving and was a bit full of crap about it all. Am not running Olympic times like. Now I know to shut up more and value just being able to get out and run with people from the club. No matter what the pace or weather. I have even discovered that I don’t melt in the rain. I can run all day with the club but couldn’t run to the end of the street on my own. Which I guess proves that the really enjoyable part is the training and you, the people I get to run with, you are far more important than the races or the PB’s.

So a big thank you to everyone who has put up listening to my whining for the past year and a half.
I promise to never mention an injury again (unlikely to happen) and not to hark on about pace and times and running form articles (equally unlikely, if not more).

Until of course the day ever comes I break half an hour for the 5 mile and 5 mins for the mile or ever win a Parkrun.
Then I probably won’t shut up about it for the rest of my life.
(Feel free to unfriend me on Facebook if that ever happens, or even now to avoid the rush J)

Sportsworld Finishers Grant Thornton 5k

Karol Cronin 9th 15:15
Paul O’Connell 16:34
Conor McCarthy 16:39 (PB but his watch said course short so committee says no PB)
Karl Chatterton 16:48
Will Greensmyth 17:31
Denis McCaul 18:27 (PB)
Peter Knaggs 19:05 (PB)
Stephanie Bergin 19:39
Catherine Mulleady 20:24 (PB with a sore knee, that even rhymes…)
Anna Delaney 21:08 (who also followed up four days later finishing 2^nd  female in Ballincollig Parkrun 21:35, she should write a race report about that Eoin)
Damiano Celestini 21:32
Anne Dalton 21:54
Maura Ginty 22:18
Grainne Dilleen 22:29

Report and Photos by Conor Kenny

Murder, Umbrellas and Olympians

“I will if you will”

When you’ve missed much running and racing through injury, it’s normal for the seeds of doubt to set in. Of course, the murderous tales Johnny Dwyer was about to tell us trumped all of that. More later.

The Lakes 10K around the shores of Blessington has always been a calendar race for many Sportsworld athletes. Today was no exception. “I will if you will” gathered pace and car-pooling arrangements were made.

Blessington

Also known locally as the Blessington Lake, the reservoir was created when the waterfall at Poulaphouca on the River Liffey (which flows from the Wicklow Mountains to Dublin) was dammed by the ESB for a hydroelectric plant which is still in use today. The valley was flooded and the resulting lakes extend over approximately 5,000 acres. A small village was submerged by the damming of the waterfall, and the remains of roads can still be seen leading down into the lake.

In addition to electricity, the lakes also provide water for the locality and the Dublin region as well as a leisure resource. The lake is also extensively used by boatmen and fishermen, and is a training location for the Irish Air Corps HQ divisions from Baldonnel.

Bad weather

The weather was not kind. We were reminded of the Warriors who braved the recent Frank Duffy and were thankful our 10 was kilometres rather than miles. It was grim but none of our number bailed out and cries of “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just weak men” were everywhere.

Car park antics

There are 3 car parks. 2 flat, 1 on the slippy side of a big grassy hill. Conscious of sliding quickly to the bottom on such a wet mucky day, we asked the marshals if we could park in No.1 or No.2 flat gravel based car parks “No, they are the overflow. Please go on ahead to slippy, slidy, grassy hill as instructed”. We did. This was the first test of the day. Would my little front wheel drive car get us up the hill? Never fear, Farmer Browne had laid substantial amounts of hay to give grip. Our turn came as athletes began to watch this new automotive sport. To cheers from within our car, our turn. Up we went slipping, spinning and sliding and we were parked. The rain got worse but numbers had to be collected. Out, out, out we went.

“Oh My God, would you look at Missus and Miss Paris Hilton?” Have you ever, I mean ever, seen experienced athletes walking around in full race gear and walking, in singlets with …. an umbrella? Enter Ms Val Power and Ms Anne Sweeney. No getting wet here but we did confess to jealously admiring their joy de vivre.

Johnny Dwyer’s stories were still ringing in my ear.

Off we go

I laughed at the fella who, with just 10 metres run, cheerfully shouted out “Only 10K to go Lads”. We were off.

It is a beautiful race. Starting out in the middle of Blessington Bridge, (complete with its 7 concrete arches and built in 1935) the route is a lovely rural road pulling slightly uphill for 5K to Manor Kilbride. You could be anywhere in Ireland but you’re just 25K from O’Connell Street yet Manor Kilbride overflows with the history of Ireland, our struggles and of course, the massacres of 1798 were in the fields around us.

(In 1798 over 20 persons massacred nearby by the Ancient Britons and local yeomen. The rebel camp at Blackmore Hill near Blessington was abandoned after attack by Sir James Duff’s forces and a new camp formed at Clohogue).

At 5K there’s a natural turn right which acts as a clear ‘half way’ symbol. If you’ve competed here before, you know what’s coming. What we didn’t know was, at exactly the 6K mark, you begin a very tough climb of almost 1K but today, a fierce wind and even worse downpour added salt to an already pained body. However, this is where running club training shakes out the steel and grit. Everyone reported passing people on this terrible tempest of a hill.

At 7K the road gives up its battle to kill you and you can almost hear it say “Fair play, here’s your reward”. That reward is 1.5 miles downhill and any loss is quickly recovered. The bottom of the hill veers left and there’s a long but beautiful straight sheltered by the most beautiful elegant trees. “Keep going, that bend ahead is just 500 to go”. You round it and, in the distance, you see the narrow bridge and the welcoming gantry. You’re in, you’re home, it’s over …. Almost. I’m still thinking about Johnny Dwyer.

Olympians

Not many know it, but Sportsworld has its own real Olympians. Lots know Mick Dowling who represented Ireland twice. Less will know Emily’s long time training partner, Ailish Smith, who ran the Olympic marathon.

Full of Rio on our minds, we waited for Anne Sweeney to rock home. Anne is Mum to a future Olympian – Carla Sweeney and today was Anne’s first race in 18 months. No easy jaunt for her, straight in to 10K.

We realised that the commentator was perhaps not as au fait with athletics as some. It was an opportunity we couldn’t resist. You see, she became conscious of the many Sportsworld singlets and I could hear her asking anyone she could grab “Who are Sportsworld, where are they from, there’s loads of them”

Anne Sweeney was in sight, about 200 metres out. Carmel, who told us she was born with a gift to spot anything interesting at over 1,000 metres gave us the “She’s coming” warning. Turning to the commentator, we asked her if she wouldn’t mind giving a plug. “Can you give a special shout out to Anne Sweeney? She’s a former Olympian”. Well talk about lighting a fire, it went something like this;

“And now, and now (higher pitch) here comes Anne Sweeney, the well-known Irish Olympian who has represented her country on numerous occasions”. Anne, who was recently voted the most photogenic Sportsworld Member, trotted gracefully across the line and said (not remotely out of breath) “Who is the Olympian?” In chorus, we said “You”

The Long Walk

One of the nice things about The Lakes is the walk back to the start. It allows for chat, fun and sounding off. After the personal battles come the shared stories and support. It reminded me of a conversation Mick Dowling and I had, in the waterworks, about 15 years ago. He said “It’s only later in life, when you’ve been in the club for many years, you realise that it has given you so much more than running” In the end, friends and family are all that matter.

We took off to Avon Ri, got a great big table, superb food and even better chat. Today, people ran really great races on a tough day but that was never what this was about, it was about a road trip, a challenge, running hard against yourself, supporting one another and having fun. If that was the test, we scored 100%

Special Kudos Awards

• The Understated Award – Johnny Dwyer for saying he ran “43” but actually ran 42:57
• The Delightful Debut Award – Margaret Crowley for a blistering first ever 10K … with a nasty stitch too.
• The Lazarus Comeback Award – Anne Sweeney for choosing a 10K to start her racing return.
• The Keep Me Company Award – Aileen Melody for synchronising our finish so perfectly.
• The Paris Hilton Umbrella Award – Val Power
• The Make 10K look Easy Award – Adrian Lanigan en route to Berlin
• The Best Lakes First Timer Award – Orla Greaves for running so well on her debut.
• The 20/20 Visionary Award – Carmel Dolan for spotting Anne Sweeney & Val Power in a car from 1,262 metres away.
• The ‘I Just Enjoy Running’ Award – Clare Finnegan for reminding us that time is always second to enjoying the journey.

Back to Johnny

Johnny Dwyer is a lovely guy who smiles forever and is always cheerful. If ever he gave up running, we’d miss him. On that note, if you notice Johnny absent for any length of time would you please go straight to your nearest Garda Station? We are worried;

You see, when I collected Johnny today along with Carmel, we remarked on what a lovely sylvan suburban house. Quiet, private and safe. Well, that’s what we thought until Johnny told us more. Not one, but two wives, on that road, decided they might possibly enjoy life more without their Dearly Beloved and, before long, they were all gathered in churches listening to “Dearly Beloved”. It seems that ‘twas murder they wrote. Yes indeed, 2 women put paid to 2 husbands and not even on the same day!

Now Johnny, next time you decide to tell us your version of Tales of the Unexpected, would you mind doing so ‘after’ the race?

The Results

Johnny Dwyer 42:57
Adrian Lanigan 43:10
Margaret Crowley 43:54
Aileen Melody 48:43
Conor Kenny 48:43
Val Power 51:04
Clare Finnegan 53:56
Carmel Dolan 54:14
Orla Greaves 57:43
Anne Sweeney 59:35